Pregnancy Journals

Recent Journal Entries


Expecting Great Things: A Toast to the End of 2010

I believe in a God that can bless and teach through tragedy; not a God that causes tragedy. For me, 2010 was not a year of tragedy. It was a year of blessings in disguise.

I am a much happier person today that I was one year ago. The scary thing is that one year ago, I didn’t realize I was unhappy. I had a great job, great house, great husband, and I was making a great decision to procreate. Unfortunately, I was hinging my happiness on my great job, great, house, and great husband and the anticipated greatness of having a baby.

When losing just one piece of a ‘perfect’ life can send you spiraling downward, it quickly becomes very clear that not everything is perfect. You see, I didn’t realize how unhappy I was until I had the miscarriage. This year, I discovered just exactly how dark my perfect life was.

When I look back on 2010 and ask myself, would I do it again knowing what I know now, the answer is “yes.”  I’ve come to realize that the experience of losing a child is one of the best things that could have happened to me. My miscarriage saved my life. Bear with me as I explain.

The miscarriage revealed to me just how small my world and my perspective had become. I always thought I was a person of faith, a person that believes God is good and that there is a heaven. This year, I discovered how ignorant I’ve been.

My short glimpse at motherhood, and my long glimpse at loss brought me to a place where I can say I know one thing for sure: there is a difference between thinking you are person of faith and truly believing that faith can save your life.

I learned this year that you simply cannot be a happy person without having God in your life. You can think you are happy. You can think you have it all together. You can have the perfect house, the perfect job, and the perfect bank account. Hell, if you’re lucky, God will let you live in that state of ignorance. I lived there for 30 years.

And then I was blessed. God used my miscarriage to reveal to me just how much I was missing out on and through my loss, brought me to a better understanding of what it means to be happy.

You might be thinking, “Wait a second sister. I’ve read your journal and there are quite a few places you sound hurt, and angry and bitter.”

Yep. Guilty. However, for each journal entry, and each minute, hour, day, week, and month of hurt, I’ve been blessed a thousand times over. I just had to open my eyes and look for it.

On many occasions, it came from you: words of complete strangers who read and follow my posts; women who send notes of encouragement and support as if they are my sisters.

In other instances, it came out of experiences that that only could have happened because I wasn’t pregnant: a trip to Colombia to help victims of abuse and prostitution; a white water rafting trip where I met a friend I can’t imagine ever not knowing; a new job that allows me to use the skills I’ve been developing over the past decade…

My husband and I are stronger as individuals and as a couple because of our shared experience. There is something about losing a life that you created together that strengthens the bond of marriage.

Those are just a few examples. I could write a book telling you about the relationships I’ve developed, the personal growth that has allowed me to take a deep breath and put my trust in God, and the happiness that comes from knowing that by this time next year, I’ll have even more light in my life…baby or not.

Share and Enjoy:
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Digg
  • Technorati
  • Reddit
  • RSS
  • StumbleUpon
  • MySpace

8 Responses to “Expecting Great Things: A Toast to the End of 2010”

  1. Heather Heather Says:

    YES!!!!!!!! keep reading your Bible girl! It really does have all the answers!
    Happy New Year! May God Bless and prosper you!

  2. Joanne Joanne Says:

    Hey Emily,
    I often find so much comfort through your words. I’ve been so full of anger. Anger at those around me, anger towards those who seem so happy, and anger towards God who i’ve so loved and trusted. I believe in a sovereign, good, loving God. But why didn’t he protect me and my unborn child? I’ve been wrestling and struggling with Him for awhile now. This new year did not start off they way I imagined. There was more tears, more anxiety, more pain.
    But your article reminded me once again, that in the place of suffering, there is a God worth worshiping. And true Joy is found in knowing that we have our soul’s ultimate desire, which is Him. How incredible is that?
    Thank you for your bold honestly and reflection. Thank you for allowing your heart to embrace the goodness and beauty of God in the midst of pain and darkness.

  3. liz liz Says:

    loved this post, there is something so refreshing about the roll over to Jan 1st that makes it a little easier to move on from a year’s struggles.
    happy new year!

  4. Leila Leila Says:

    Hi Emily, just wanted to say congratulations to you and I’m very happy to hear your uplifting story! Wishing you all the best this year.

  5. Callie Callie Says:

    I’m so curious… where are you now? What’s the latest?

  6. Emily Emily Says:

    Quick update from Emily: Hi Everyone! This year has proven to be an interesting one so far. I actually had a chemical pregnancy in January and of course, was — still am — disappointed and perhaps getting a bit cynical about procreation. Trying to keep my spirits up!

  7. Callie Callie Says:

    Thank you for responding! And I’m so sorry. I had a chemical in January, too, so I can relate. Hang in there…hugs.

  8. Becky Becky Says:

    Thank you. I needed this tonight.

(will not be published)