Life After Miscarriage: One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

For as many steps as I’ve taken toward moving on, there are still days where I feel like I’m caught in quicksand.

No matter how much I work, or how many weekend trips I plan, or how many runs I do in the morning, no matter how much I fill my day planner, I cannot escape the miscarriage. I’ve tried my best to fill my life with work, and friends, and church, and books, and magazines, and exercise. I’ve tried not to leave any room for grief. But somehow, it keeps finding its way in.

If I’m quiet for one moment, I slip into a daydream where I imagine myself six months pregnant or decorating a nursery.  I catch myself imagining my husband rolling over in the morning and kissing my big belly, whispering to our son or daughter.

I fall into pockets of sadness in the mundane moments of my life – just today, in the simplest act of wiping down the sink after rinsing dishes.  I had to turn away from my husband because I didn’t want him to see the tears in my eyes.  I know he could sense something was wrong but there’s nothing I can say that will help him, or anyone understand.

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3 Responses to “Life After Miscarriage: One Step Forward and Two Steps Back”

  1. Jen Jen Says:

    Since waking up this morning, I got my very first aunt flo since my loss AND my best friend’s birth announcement. I called her, and she told me she told her Aunt not to send one to me. I was there the day her son was born, and we both talked about how my little one would be playing with him this time next year. I asked about his progression and she asked me about diapers. Without hesitating I gave her my best advice, hung up the phone in a state of shock and started to bawl. My BF doesn’t understand…he really really didn’t care about the loss and thinks its silly to be this upset about my period.

  2. Emily Emily Says:

    A good cry is usually the only thing that makes me feel better on days like those. Hang in there!

  3. Catherine Catherine Says:

    Emily, I can relate to your pain. Our stories are different, but I can certainly imagine. My daughter was stillborn at full term. The 18 months that followed (until I had my second daughter) were the absolute hardest of my life. My thoughts are definitely with you in your journey.

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